So I was talking with Schnelly the other day and wanted to write a blog that revolved around baseball movies in some way. There’s no other sport that has as many high quality movies about it, it’s America’s pastime for Chrissake. So I thought about doing the classic “ranking baseball movies” bull crap, but quickly realized I’m way too creative for that. So, the idea hit me to assemble an all star lineup of all fictional baseball players ever created. When I thought of the idea, I was under the impression that this is an extremely unique idea. Well as soon as I hit up the google search bar, I realized I was sadly mistaken. Turns out many others before me have had this very idea, but I didn’t see any of these lineups that lasted more than 5 games against mine in a 7 game series.
The rules for my lineup are very simple, the player has to be fictional. So no Jackie Robinson or Jeremy Giambi, they do not meet the qualifications. Let's get right into it
CF Willie Mays Hayes
This is about the easiest decision of the entire lineup. Not only is Willie the prototypical leadoff, but he proved he is willing to hit the ball out of the park. The power is there, he just hasn’t tapped into it yet. So, you’re telling me I get a MLB all star who is a true four tool player who hasn’t tapped into his power yet? Automatic lock in the top spot.
Another aspect of Willie, that just can’t be taught, is his big league swag. The man knows he’s the truth. When you have that type of big league swag, you put butts in the seat. He’s a marketing gold mine. Imagine the merch we could sell revolving around this man? Willie is playing 162/162 games for me and I know what I’m going to get.
2. 2B Pablo Sanchez
This is what sets my lineup apart, this guy is a bonafide stud. Pablo is the sole reason I used the phrasing “fictional players” and not limit myself to just guys in movies. There aren’t many second basemen that have the combination of speed and power that Pablo possesses. Dude finds barrels like he’s a Jack Daniels distributor. Having him behind Willie is a manager’s dream. Willie is going to go gap to gap and steal bases at an elite rate, while Pablo can do both of those things on top of dropping 450 foot Jimmies.
An underrated part of Pablo is the fact that he sports an out of shape body type. He’s no more than 5’1, but has a gut that hangs out of his shirt. It’s awesome. No pitcher in the league is going to take this guy seriously until he sends some chin music humming back by them. Not only are we building a dream lineup on the field, but there is some serious character in the 1 and 2 hole.
3. LF Roy Hobbs
After two right-handers getting the show started, I need to slot in a lefty to break them up. Well, good thing I have an MVP candidate left fielder that just rolled up to a tryout. Roy “The Natural” Hobbs is a man of integrity that will be sporting the Captain’s “C” for my fictional dream squad. His only goal is to win, I love it. On a team full of guys who are ultra talented wildcards, I need a guy in the 3 hole where I know what I’m getting.
Roy not only is a stand up guy, he is a game winner. His combination of 80 grade defense and power is something that screws the opposing team’s gameplan. As long as we can get his wife to every game he should continue to knock the cover off the ball (literally). I mean we are talking about a guy who won the pennant with a gunshot wound in his stomach. Dude is a warrior, and belongs on my team. Only concern I have with Hobbs is the fact that our scoreboard budget will be doubled.
4. RF T-Rex Pennebaker
Pennebaker cracks the lineup on nickname alone. “T-Rex” automatically enters any GOAT nickname discussion, and would have to be competing for a top 3 spot. T-Rex brings an aurora of intimidation as soon as he gets off the bus, I know I want no part of pitching to a guy referred to as “T-Rex”. Not only is the nickname intimidating, but he brings a physical presence to back it up. A big, power hitting Right hander is exactly what we need in the Cleanup spot. In the movie Mr. 3000, T-Rex is the arrogant superstar that replaces the old legend (Mr. 3000). After some guidance and advice, T-Rex becomes a leader and captain that messes around and jacks 50 homers in the show.
You don’t just have 40-40 guys growing on trees. If you’re offering me Alex Rodriguez to slide in my 4 hole, I just can’t turn that down. The one-two punch of T-Rex and the Natural is enough to supply the team shop with unlimited merchandise. Obviously my main goal is to win games, but a little bit of built in marketing is never a bad thing.
5. C Ham Porter
PLAYYYYY BALLLLLL! I saw all these baseball writers filling out their lineup in typical baseball writer fashion, by the book. Let me tell you what the book can't show you, Heart. There is no physical measurement for heart, but you can see it. Ham Porter is the definition of heart, he’s not bigger or faster than anyone on the field, but he is a sandlot catcher, that’s all I need to know. He throws on an old mask and beat up shin guards, and gets behind the dish in a back street, dust lot baseball field and grinds it out. I freakin love it. Give me that guy.
His right handed power and status as an elite backstop aside, he is an 80 grade trash talker. He has the hitters’ mind in a blender as they step into the box and try to do one of the hardest tasks in sports. Not only is it a high volume of trash talking, but it is PHENOMENALLY executed. Everyone knows the guy who looks at himself as a good heckler when he really just sounds like an idiot, that’s not Ham. He’s catching 5 days a week for me.
6. 1B Jack Parkman
Parkman is an absolute menace, and he’s exactly the menace we need. Every great team has to have a villain. The Chicago Bulls had Dennis Rodman, Patriots had Tom Brady, and we have Jack Parkman. Guys who you love to have on your team, but want to sucker punch while playing against. Parkman made the Indians pay for trading him, by jacking homers like they were free samples at Costco. He’s a true homer or bust type guy that is perfect in the 6 hole.
I’m a firm believer in “confidence is contagious”, Parkman is the absolute poster child of confidence. He once said in Major League 2, “I’m the only winner on this team.” Well guess what Jack, we got plenty of winners on this team, and there’s always room for one more. I picture this guy using a 36 inch bat with no batting gloves, need that added intimidation to go along with that raw power.
7. 3B Sam Tuttle
You talk about the most underrated fictional ball player to ever exist? It’s definitely Sam Tuttle. As he rolls to the plate with violence in mind against Billy Chapel, his stats are flashed across the bottom of the screen. They are a staggering, .308 batting average with 98 RBIs and 39 Jimmies. Dude is a walking barrel. Now imagine that type of production coming out of the 7 hole. He is going to be hidden in between our two biggest power guys where he can just feast on the leftovers. He’s got a rare combination of bat to ball and power that is what every manager dreams about. Welcome the squad Sam
8. Pedro Cerrano
I think everyone can see what kind of impact Pedro Cerrano has on a squad. As a member of the first place Indians he continuously puts balls 20 rows deep and brings the fans to their feet. But when he finds religion, baseball takes a back seat. His demeanor changes from a hard, intimidating enforcer to a teddy bear strikeout machine. One may say “do you really want a mental headcase in your lineup?”, yeah I do. The reason being, that switch is easily flipped. Izuro “Kamikazi” Tanaka was the man who flipped the switch by telling Cerrano he had no “marbles”. Cerrano, like any of us men, takes this to heart. As men, we take a certain pride in the features that God has given us, and when someone calls that out, it’s fight or flight. Cerrano showed me that he chose to fight, all I needed to see.
9. SS Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez
Not much explaining needed for this guy, the definition of a dirtbag. He eats, sleeps, and breathes the game of baseball. He is much needed in the 9 hole to flip the order over as he is a true 5 tool player with a baseball shaped heart.
He was raised on a dirt sandlot where true baseball players are created. Having to bend over backwards just to find a ball to play with, and waiting on fireworks to give you the light needed to take some BP. I can’t wait to pencil Benny the Jet in on the card and watch him just make things happen.
Starting Rotation
Nuke Laloosh
This guy is a serious wild card, one of the most talented guys to ever toe the rubber with a fastball that makes Nolan Ryan cry. Can he throw strikes? Maybe, it might not matter with the lineup he has behind him. I’m rolling the dice with the upside he brings to the table and hoping I get the best version
2. Rigo Sanchez
This is another guy that has been under scouted by other baseball writers who have filled out their lineup. This dude was out throwing bullpens behind a hotel throwing straight flame balls and snapping off hammers to his poor brother with very below average gear on. This is besides the point, but I’d want his brother as the bullpen catcher, that kid has incredible grit. Back to Rigo though, this dude was flown to Atlanta, cold turkey, and threw live BP to the Braves first rounder (yes, the Braves took a postionless, out of shape right handed hitter that couldn't hit a curveball in the first round. Not time to critique the movie, I just call it like I see it.) and straight up dominated him. I need a starter who is always ready to go with electric stuff, that’s big dog Rigo.
3. Steve Nebraska
This guy is literally a video game, He’s the greatest fictional baseball player to ever play the game. He struck out 27 on 81 pitches in game 1 of the World Series, an immaculate game. With a fastball clocked at 106, Nebraska might just be unhittable. Some may be asking “why is he your number 3 then?” Well that’s because he’s also an incredible hitter and will be making a pinch hitting appearance in every game of the series. He’s Shohei Ohtani on steroids, and makes us the clear favorite in any series we play.
Long Relief
Billy Chapel
I’m going to convert Billy Chapel into the long relief role. In the playoffs, you need someone extremely reliable to be available if you don't get what you need out of your starter, that’s Billy. I actually read an article where this guy did a deep dive into his projected stats, which makes me wonder how on earth he came up with them. Regardless, they were incredible and above all, consistent. A game is never over even when a starter craps the bed early.
Set Up Guy
Kenny Powers
Kenny Powers makes electricity look stagnant. He is the electric factory, the people’s champ. Whether he is in the show, Mexico, or Myrtle Beach, he is the ultimate ticket seller and will throw his fastball right by you. Can you imagine the battery of Kenny Powers and Ham Porter? The hitter’s mentals are going to be in an absolute blender. Give Kenny the ball for the 7th and 8th and let him throw some chairs.
Closer
Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn
Behind Willy Mays Hayes, this was my easiest decision. He was a lock as soon as the idea popped into my mind. Wild Thing is exactly what you want in a closer, he’s tough, he’s exciting, and he’s lockdown. When he comes out of the bullpen, the game is over. I will put absolutely no restrictions on this guy, I will let him ride his Harley from the bullpen if he really wants to. Having Vaughn on the backend solidifies this lineup and helps me sleep better at night.
